Overcome Perfectionism

What are amiss with trying to better yourself? We all prefer to be better than we are. America is the Self-Improvement Capital of the Galaxy! We prefer to be smarter, happier, thinner, richer, wittier, more democratic, more lovable, and more successful than we are right now. We can't see why we should settle for being to a lesser degree all we can be. We want to fulfill ourselves, live up to our high potential, win the Gold. We get no points in our own eyes for coming second. An Olympian who wins a silver might have it bronzed. It's absurd, but we cannot see the absurdity of this endless striving for the Holy Grail of Betterness.

Here's what's wrong cutting-edge: we're not operating out of mature, adult judgment as to the most appropriate course of action to take. We are not making intelligent, considered choices in our own best interest. We are operating out of attitudes that we acquired during the formative stages of our personhood. We have never questioned the validity of these immature attitudes; we didn't even know they were down there below the level of conscious awareness. These attitudes predispose us to behave in certain ways. We are not in control of these predispositions, they control us. They override our adult judgment and set us up to buy exercise equipment that we'll never use and shouldn't have ordered. These attitudes are not rational or reasonable. They are not usually accessible to our conscious minds. They are down there in our psyche waiting for an occasion, an opportunity. When the time is right, they just kick in and drag us along with them. We are out of control. Our attitudes are in the saddle.

Our attitudes are formed out of the experiences of our childhood. They are incorporated into our budding personality. Our adult persona turns out to denigrate more than a constellation of immature attitudes from ages three, four, five and six. There are even constellations of constellations that predispose us to play different roles with different folks. We are not the same character with the Bishop that we are with our bowling buddies.

The requirement that we strive for perfection is not a conscious, well thought out idea. It is neither smart nor stupid. It is an attitude that one acquires early in childhood and carries into adulthood. One of these carryover beliefs is that, "I must be better than I am." Unfortunately, since this belief has no brains, it cannot tell us when to stop bettering ourselves. It cannot tell us how much betterment is enough. In the absence of such input, we find ourselves chasing our tails, pushing limits and screwing ourselves into the ceiling. We are the prisoners of our silent constellations.

People who strive for perfection wind up feeling inferior, inadequate, worthless and guilty. To relieve these painful feelings, they resolve to do better next time, still not knowing how good is good enough. Below are some of the struggles of a perfectionist:

1. They try to motivate themselves by comparing themselves to their more successful friends and relatives, only to find that this unfavorable comparison confirms their underlying feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.
2. They try to motivate themselves to succeed by criticizing themselves for their imperfections, which again confirms their painful feelings of inferiority, inadequacy and worthlessness. This is called negative motivation. It is another useless good intention.
3. The implication of this attitude is that they are not worthy of respect until they achieve the required degree of perfection. Meantime, they can only have contempt for themselves. They are still not good enough.
4. They do not want anyone to know how badly they feel about themselves, so they conceal their self-doubt behind a facade of confidence and competence.
5. They succeed in deceiving everyone as to their true feelings of unworthiness, they even deceive themselves.
6. They reach a point in their striving where they find themselves locked in, trapped on a treadmill. They cannot stop trying, even if they want to. They do not know what would happen to them if they were to stop striving to attain perfection in order to avoid failure. As unhappy as they are, they fear that the alternative would be worse.
7. They become discouraged by setbacks, which they perceive as confirmations of their low opinion of themselves. They stop trying altogether.

Albert wanted to succeed, but his self-contempt makes him feel unworthy of success. Since he does not "deserve" to succeed, all he can predict for himself is painful, humiliating failure. As a child, he learned that good things happen and bad things happen. The good things aren't the problem. The bad things that happen to him are often painful, embarrassing, scary and he would like to keep them from happening. The worst thing about them is that they seem to "confirm" his unworthiness, his unlovability, and inadequacy to cope. Soon, he comes to believe that he can prevent bad things from happening by "controlling." That he can avoid harm to himself by:

a. Knowing what other people are thinking,
b. Knowing what is going to happen in advance,
c. Preventing it from happening.

As the years pass, Albert comes to feel out of control when he doesn't know, what he needs to know, and cannot find out. As a perfectionist, he believes that he can only prevent bad things from happening by controlling perfectly. Anything less than perfect control would leave him exposed to the harm that he prophesies for his unworthy self. Since he is neither a mind reader nor fortune-teller, he will feel out of control most of the time. Since he cannot be sure that he is perfectly secure from harm, he cannot relieve his anxiety that something terrible will happen to him. He feels out of control. Albert blames himself for failing to prevent these bad things from happening. He takes his "failures" personally. Since bad things happen in the course of everyday life, he eventually reaches a point where he feels that his "control" system has fallen apart. He feels totally out of control. He feels anxiety. In time, his anxiety addresses panic.

The perfectionist divides his efforts into three areas:

1. Controlling Himself:
a. By "being strong," which means not revealing feelings or other "weaknesses" that might be used against him,
b. By being neat and orderly so he will "know" where everything is at all times in case he needs something instantly,
c. By being ambitious for himself in order to place himself above those others, who might be able to hurt him,
d. By being aware of all the facts that might have a bearing on his case.

2. Controlling Others:
a. By pleasing them so they won't hurt him,
b. By withdrawing from them so they won't or can't hurt him,
c. By rebelling against them and forcing them into submission,
d. By submitting to them in the hope of saving his skin,
e. By assuming total responsibility for them,
f. By criticizing others as he was criticized for his failings in the past.

3. Controlling Life:
a. By making life as predictable as possible by planning and scheduling everything in advance,
b. By placating the gods so that they won't be jealous of him,
c. By seeing to it that he doesn't experience any happiness that unworthy persons like himself do not deserve. They would only end in disaster anyway.

To the individual striving for perfection, there can be no compromise of his high standards and ideals. His integrity is at stake. He cannot afford to take chances. The stakes (his worth as a person) are too high. He is required by his perfectionism to live his life in terms of extremes. He is predisposed to see the world in terms of always and never, good and evil, now or never, all or nothing, existence and annihilation. There is no middle ground between "always" and "never," "right" and "wrong."

Perfectionists rarely say "seldom," "infrequently," "hardly ever" or "rarely." They might lose the argument. They are not interested in qualifying reality. They are interested in winning the argument because their selfhood is riding on the outcome. If they are not the winner, they are the loser. There is no middle ground. We call their attitude stubbornness and it makes us angry. We will be less vulnerable to this painful emotion if we become aware that the issue is not the issue under consideration. That is only the occasion for the issue, which is the perfectionist's defense of his self-esteem as he has mistakenly defined it. We can choose to "consider the source" and drop our end of the rope. We are worthwhile in spite of it.

The antidote to striving for perfectionism is self-respect. The individual who respects himself as a worthwhile human being in spite of his faults and imperfections does not experience the stressful compulsion to prove that he is not worthless. No one says that he is. If, for example, someone were to say that he was stupid (code word for worthless), he would be able to recognize it as mischief and disengage from it. He might say, in his own behalf, "I don't know how you stand it," and walk away.

It's not his problem. He is not required to solve it. He has replaced his good intention to defend himself, to make the other person understand the truth, with a real intention for his own well-being. He has chosen to drop the rope. He has no responsibility for straightening out mischief-makers. He is responsible for his own well-being under these circumstances. That is what independence means.

We can overcome the influence of these inappropriate attitudes from our own childhood by doing a Homework, which means taking conscious action in our own behalf. We can catch ourselves in the act of lining up all the ash trays in the living room and ask ourselves a focusing question: "What difference does it make?" The answer is, "None at all". Self-respecting people do not evaluate you on the basis of these external appearances. Control is not defined in terms of perfect alignment. We acquired these overdriven attitudes in first grade. It is time we liberated ourselves from them. Our Homework would be to misalign one of the ashtrays and see if anyone faints.

It's scary. It takes courage to break the mold of a lifetime, but the reward of a mature, independent identity of our own in the present is worth the risk. If we can't do it on the first bounce, we can move the ashtray back. It's not a failure. It merely proves we are imperfect. We are a worthwhile human being in spite of it. Tomorrow is another day. Life will give us another chance. We are worthwhile in the meantime.

http://angerclinic.com/ and http://sites.google.com/site/aaronkarmin

Aaron Karmin MA, LCPC. Through Roosevelt University he holds an advanced certification in stress management which involves teaching six mind-body techniques which enhances relaxation. Aaron has worked at all levels of mental health care from inpatient to outpatient, private to community, not for profit to Fortune 500 executives. He is a highly effective guest lecturer, group therapy leader, and individual therapist who is able to discuss a variety of topics including: Anger Management, Leadership, Relaxation Techniques, Communication Skills, and Goal Setting Strategies.

Aaron recognizes the need for flexibility and creativity to address the mind and body and uses solution-based instructions to promote a healthy lifestyle. His approach to anger management focuses on increasing frustration tolerance and impulse control by understanding triggers, identifying physical cues, recognizing thoughts, considering consequences, implementing solutions, choosing behaviors, and promoting expression. When individuals feel in control of their situations and their lives, their depression and anxiety are replaced with feelings of security, confidence, competence, identity, responsibility, belonging, and self-respect, which is the prerequisite for success at home and at work.