Living With A Narcissistic Lawyer

Although it sounds like a bad lawyer joke, believe me it is no picnic living with a narcissistic attorney, especially if he is a litigator. Some of the qualities of an aggressive litigator are indicative of narcissism: arrogance, aggressiveness, self-entitlement, and grandiosity, just to name a few.

Let's be clear: having a big ego is not bad per se and in fact is essential for success in the court room. It is when one crosses over the line from healthy self esteem and confidence to high level toxic narcissism that anyone living with such a person suffers greatly. The biggest single difference that distinguishes the high-level narcissist is his total inability to empathize, which results in cruel behavior. Such behavior is ironically more common in the home than in the work place, in this instance, the court room, because the narcissist must put on an act in court, feigning great compassion.

To add together abuse to injury, a person who is both a high-level narcissist and a lawyer brings his litigation skills into the home in the form of "cross examination" and argumentative techniques even when he has dead wrong on the merits.

A major characteristic of a narcissistic attorney (and any narcissist for that matter) is the need to project an image of perfection. The more public the forum (such as the court room) the more the narcissist hides behind his mask of perfection. As the venue becomes smaller, the mask isn't really dropped---after all they are in fact "perfect" in their minds. However, because of their position of power in smaller groups, their need to be on their "best behavior" diminishes. This can be seen, for instance, in situations such as the humiliation of an employee in front of others at office meetings. The home is the most individual of all venues and thus, a spouse or other person living with a narcissist bears the greatest brunt of all. Often the victim will say to a psychotherapist or other confidante, words to this effect: "Everyone thinks this guy is so wonderful but they should try accepting this narcissistic jerk."

So---what to do? Most importantly, know yourself and abide up to the narcissist's frivolous and unfounded attacks. Calmly confront them with the inappropriateness of their behavior. If you're lucky you are able to sometimes "pop their balloon" using humor and at least get some temporary relief. This will not undo their pathology and may even trigger more rage. Stay empowered by tapping into your genuine sense of entitlement and self respect. Do not give your power away to them. Learn the art and skill of restraint. Not reacting is a powerful tool to use with a narcissist. They are expecting you to overreact so they can continue to pounce. You are not required to make an immediate response to an inappropriate demand. Quietly remove yourself from the situation. Give yourself a break from the drama of the battle. All of these strategies require tremendous discipline and practice.

Often it's best to seek quality professional help from a therapist who's a solid clinical background in dealing with narcissistic personalities and those who live with them. By forming a strong therapeutic alliance, the emotionally distressed client will benefit from being understood and treated empathetically. The client will have the opportunity to express the many hurtful feelings he has been holding inside so long. The therapist will assist the client in discovering his future options. This can take many forms. The client may benefit by using other strategies that allow him to be more psychologically independent from the narcissist. In some instances the therapist helps the client through the process of recognizing that the relationship is too toxic and must come to an end. In this case, the therapist works with the client in dealing with the sadness, rage, disappointment, and grief of severing a marriage or partnership. The therapeutic process will facilitate the client's recognition that he is a separate, unique, valuable human being, capable and entitled to both giving and receiving love.

Linda Martinez-Lewi holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is a licensed marriage family therapist. She has extensive clinical training in narcissistic and borderline disorders. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi is the author of the book "Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life."

Dr. Martinez-Lewi has worked for many years with patients experiencing psychological jobs as a result of personal and professional relationships with narcissistic personality disorders. She has clinical experience treating patients suffering from childhood trauma, anxiety disorders, and clinical depression.